Crusoe the Realtor (I’m Moving!)

I know it’s been a while since I’ve done a regular, day-in-the-life, news-of-late, how I’m doin’-kinda blog post. Well, so far 2016 has been a busy year for me, despite me thinking I’d take a bit of a break after my book tour in November 2015. In fact, I’m writing this blog via the high-speed wifi of my private jet at 21,000 feet.

Okay-okay, maybe I don’t have a private jet. And “maybe” I’m writing this while on the toilet, but the point is I have some free time and I’m making the most of it.

The main reason I haven’t been blogging as much is just because I’ve been busy with various things; I teamed up with Heinz to represent their awesome dachshunds in hot dog costumes commercial; I went on tour across Canada to raise awareness for tick prevention; I took a few vacations; I’m working towards a major Grand Re-Opening of my online store with all-new merchandise; AND… I’m moving!

cute dachshund crusoe

You heard that right – I’m moving, as in houses where I live. But let’s back up a bit first to see how all that happened.

A few months ago at our daily family meeting where I generally bring up petty issues about Mum and Dad and their management style, such as how my dinnertime should be moved to 4:00 instead of 4:30, how there’s a conflict of power when Mum says I can’t chew sticks in the house but Dad says I can, or even just how my weekly squeaky ball allowance is insufficient. So as you can see, all sorts of very legitimate concerns that warrant a daily discussion.

But anyway, at this particular meeting I brought up the idea of changing homes. This proposal was a bit of a shock to Mum and Dad, but I came prepared with a killer pitch-presentation.

reason to move dachshund

I was actually quite surprised to see how receptive Mum and Dad were to the idea. Mum even stated, “yes it might be nice to move back to the country again”, considering I was originally a country dog until I moved to the city 4 years ago.

So, they gave me the A-OK to start the process!

“First thing’s first”, I said the next day as we regrouped for the strategy meeting. “We need to add value to this place before selling and buying our new one. We need to redo the kitchen.”

“Dad and I will start on that. I’ll be project manager. Dad will be lowly laborer.”

crusoe kitchen renovations

“Mum, you can start finding listings that meet my criteria for a new home. ”

I then proceeded to read out my criteria to her…

  • A two-car garage. (Just in case I end up getting two Porsches).
  • A healthy squirrel population. Not the all-black/gray ones like from the city. I like the woodsy brown-colored country squirrels. It’s not a racial thing, it’s just personal preference, so don’t make it a big deal.
  • A large sweeping meadow of a backyard; something reminiscent of the Sound of Music where they’re dancing in the hills. Obviously Dad will have to keep the grass cut to a an acceptable wiener-level though…
  • Ideally no stairs. I despise having to wait around at the gate for someone to carry me up like some incapable invertebrate. Either a very spacious bungalow or bark-activated elevators will do.
  • I don’t really care for swimming much, but a pool would be good so that I can host epic pool parties.
  • Likewise a giant hot tub would be nice. Something that can fit at least a dozen chicks and isn’t more than half-a-foot deep so I can still stand up.
  • A new walk-in closet & wardrobe for all my outfits, costumes, and clothes.
  • A batcave. To this day I still don’t know how I’ve gotten by as ‘BATDOG’ without even having a batcave… ridiculous.

That’s when Mum interrupted me, and with one of her irksome smirks spattered across her face, too.

crusoe dachshund the boss

“Crusoe, I realize you want all these things, but to be honest I don’t think we can afford a place with all that…” she said.

That made me bite my lip.

dachshund funny lip

But then I settled down, only to coolly reply with, “Listen, Mum. Just do the best you can to get everything on my list. And if we happen to need a little extra dough, don’t worry, I think I could convince Oakley to rob a bank if I told him it was full of squeakies.”

So while Mum worked on finding potential houses, Dad and I toiled around the house on minor repairs, fixes, and improvements.

crusoe the dachshund painter2

“Wait, you mean you didn’t want me to paint my signature on the wall?!”

And also some new plumbing under the kitchen sink.

crusoe dachshund the plumber

“Dad, would you hand me those giant monster toenail clipper things?”

“Yes, those. Just keep them away from my toes…”

dog plumber costume

(I don’t trust those things).

It wasn’t too long after that Mum came to us with a good house option. It didn’t meet all my criteria, but it was manageable. So, with a little tactical negotiation on my part, we made an offer, a counteroffer, and bam – we bought a house!

So starting August 1st, I’ll be – once again, a country dog!

But that brought up the next predicament. We needed to sell our current place. And there was no debate that I would be our realtor.

So I dressed the part, stuck up my sign outside our house, and waited for any passersby to show any indication of interest.

crusoe the realtor

That’s when Dad noticed my sign and said, “Crusoe! Where did you come up with that call number? Seems sort of… inappropriately suggestive, no?!

“What on Earth do you mean?!”, I questioned. “This is an ingenious marketing ploy. Any dog who says ‘yes to a bone‘ should give me a call, because I’m giving away free bones with each visitation.”

Dad laughed. “Well, do what you got to do…”

I didn’t understand what all that was about, but I ignored him and waited outside patiently by my sign. I was hoping to attract the canine-type of potential buyer, but when a young woman walking by said she was looking to buy a new home, I quickly invited her in to show her around.

“Before we step inside”, I began, “since we’re here I’ll just show you the toilet. This is where I usually do my number one and number two.”

dachshund fire hydrant

“Oh”, she exclaimed. “I’m sorry, but I’m not a dog…”

“Right. I can see that”, I said plainly. “You do have a dog though, don’t you?”

“Well yes, but…”

“Good, so I’ll continue. Right this way.”

Next I showed her inside, starting with the living room. “This is where I like to come and relax for a bit of afternoon sunshine, occassionally enjoy a bone or a good squeak up on my Master Chair. Speaking on which, would you like a complimentary bone?”

crusoe dachshund the realtor

“Uh… no thanks”, she replied flatly.

Her loss.

“As you can see, the current owners have impeccable taste in artwork”, I continued.

She looked around and seemed pleased with what she was seeing. “It’s very nice!” she said.

“Yes, it is. But as I realtor it’s my duty to inform you that this room has been the scene of many brutal murders.”

crusoe dachshund realtor

What?!” she just about yelled.

“Yes, it’s true. At least a dozen of my favorite squeaky ferrets have been dismembered and disemboweled on this very carpet. Actually, that bin over there is fully of bodies.”

Phew, she huffed. “I thought you meant people!

“No no, don’t be ridiculous, although I’m pretty sure Dad almost died on the couch last time he came down with a cold (judging by his complaining anyway).”

Then I showed her the balcony.

“As you can see, it’s features a modern ‘faux grass’ carpeting which acts as a lovely suntanning bed or place for a mid-day siesta.”

dachshund on balcony

(You see, the key to being a good realtor is to really help the potential buyer “imagine” themselves living there).

“Now let’s take a look at the kitchen, shall we?”

crusoe dachshund moving to country

“It features plenty of counter-top space; great for entertaining, and in fact was the setting of several award-winning cooking shows by Chef Crusoe. It was also just recently renovated by some expert contractors, I might add.”

She seemed pleased. “Yes, the handywork looks good.”

“Now I’ll show you the bathroo-oh no!

Crusoe Squeaky Toy

Dang, I forgot I had left that trap there! I did my best to explain.

Ahem. Yes, we MAY have a minor rat problem, but I do believe that was the last one though. Shall we move on?”

Next I showed her upstairs, pausing in the doorway to the master bedroom.

“This is the master bedroom. It’s luxurious and spacious, with plenty of room to chase a ball, and even has ANOTHER mini balcony. Let me show you…”

crusoe dachshund how to sell a house

But as soon as I walked in, that’s when I realized I had totally forgotten to tidy up my nightstand in my haste to become a realtor and put the house on the market…

“I do apologize for the mess, I said.”

Crusoe the Dachshund - the BIG WIENER

“But at least we haven’t found any rats up here, though! That’s a positive!”

Lastly, I had to show the woman the bathroom.

“This is the tub.”

crusoe dachshund in the tub

“I know it looks rather spacious, but I must be honest – I’ve only ever been able to fit about 5 chicks in here at once.” I looked down at my paws, sadly. “I realize that may be a deal breaker…”

The woman looked a little shocked, probably in disappointment.

“Oh, that shouldn’t be a problem. Room for one chick is perfectly fine with me!”

Not what I expected, but, I couldn’t complain! “Well, in that case, I think we’re about done with the tour!”

“Well, I’m impressed, but will have to think about it, Mr. Crusoe.” she said as she made her way towards the door. “Oh but you didn’t tell me about the neighborhood?”

“Oh, well, that I unfortunately can’t say too many great things about it – it’s rather boring. I’ve gone cruising around here as BATDOG on multiple occasions looking for criminals in the act, but nope – it’s too ‘goody-two-shoes’ around here.”

Crusoe & Oakley cruisin'

And yet, she surprised me again by answering, “oh, that’s perfect! Well, I will definitely be in touch!”

So there you have it folks. Looks like this is a textbook example of a ‘perfect sell’!

Now the only left to do is negotiate my commission with Mum and Dad. And seems I have a ready-buyer to boost my leverage! 😉

Keep movin’ on up,

~ Crusoe

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46 Responses to Crusoe the Realtor (I’m Moving!)

  1. I love the new blog Crusoe! In a few months I will be moving too. I will actually be moving a little closer to you! I’m moving to upstate NY, around Plattsburgh, which is near the Canadian border. I’m so excited you will only be a couple hour ride, which I’d gladly do to meet you at one of your appearances, I’ve always wanted to see Canada too, not to mention i can’t have any pets here. Could we hire you to help us find a new place? You’d be perfect! By the way good luck with the move! I can’t wait to read all about your adventures at your new home!

  2. What a great job Crusoe! That place will be sold in no time! And congrats on the new house!
    I realized I shouldn’t have read this log out loud to Felix because he’s now demanding daily family meetings! And first on the agenda is moving his dinner time from 4.30 to 4pm! You don’t make it easy for us humans 😉 Good luck on the move! And if you decide to become a moving dog, you can come help us move in September 😀

  3. Great job at showing your home Crusoe! I hope Mum and Dad find the right home for you all! I will be ordering your books too! Love you! And I did notice the artwork!

  4. Oh my gosh Mr. Crusoe I am impressed with your plan to get back to the country… What a greatjob convincing Mum and Dad… Really enjoyed your logic. ( Your list was a little over the top). Good luck on your new property. Hope there are plenty of squirls to chase.

  5. Wow Cruse… you are lucky to move to the country …we have one problem …we don’t have squirrels here in Durban, South Africa…we have never seen one!?- but,we have MONKEYS coming to our garden …and me and my 4 Sibling Sausages chase and bark THE WHOLE DAY ! ..we bark so much, our throats get sore…but, chasing Monkeys is very dangerous…they are known to bite and rip up dogs if they feel threatened ! So you see how brave we are …(we mostly bark at them when they are on our neighbours roof)! Are squirrels also dangerous? We wish you good luck in your new home and we look forward to hear about your move. Lots of love from: BRÖTCHEN, MUSCHEL, MINI, BIENE AND MOTTE. xxx

  6. “Ideally no stairs. I despise having to wait around at the gate for someone to carry me up like some incapable invertebrate.” OOOOHHHH EEMMMMMM FRICKIN’ DEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! bahahahahahahahahah. I would think that you will have no problem in selling the house. After all, a worldwide superstar phenomenon has lived there. Can’t wait to see the new house!

  7. You are the best! Good luck with your move. Can’t wait to see your new country home!!! Great job on the sell!!!

  8. Here are a few tips on moving- 1. Be sure to label boxes so you will know where clothing, toys and your folks are located! 2. Remember to move boxes by bending your knees (all four at once). Do not stress your back! 3. Try to retrieve ‘stuff’ buried in the yard! Happy Moving Day!

  9. Love reading about your home selling. Our red Oscar was listening to your needs at your new home. We are in trouble! Lol

  10. Amo a Crusoe!!! Yo tengo una dachshund preciosa llamada ” Chiquitina ” y son tan inteligentes , tiernos y adorables que definitivamente hay q amarlos . Saludos desde Venezuela ❤️

  11. Crusoe, Crusoe, How adorable you are ! I wish I could astral – travel to meet you ‘en personne’. You are also so gifted with humor & wit. That rat in your bathroom & your little,cover-all pants & night-stand items just about killed me, though. I hope those brown squirrels at your new home will give you a good workout. Please tell your Dad that he is an excellent artist; what a beautiful painting of you in Switzerland; (Kind of choked me up a little!). Continued Love, Light, Happiness & Health within the next home that you will grace with your presence. (And all best wishes to your family & to your ‘extended family’ of fans who love you from afar).

  12. I have a little 15 year old mini Dachshund named Molly and I have had little steps that lead up and down from the sofa. She is getting to an age that she has trouble going down the steps (also she can’t see too well anymore). I would like to know where you got the ramp going to the sofa in the picture above. I have been looking for something like this.

    • Greetings, Alinda. Crusoe’s Dad makes all his ramps! I discovered that somewhere on his blog with pictures of them. I hope Crusoe’s Dad replies to you. I hired a local carpenter to make my ramp for my Doxies some time ago. He made it from a rough sketch I drew. He glued a nice section of carpet on it for traction & he even added a little wooden guardrail on each side,along the full -length of the ramp. It turned out really nice & they seemed to enjoy it, also! (If you click on the word “contact” along the top of the Blog site, there’s a place you can ask a question there! Good luck to you & your Molly! Laura (from Florida).

  13. Crusoe, you Superstar! What a born salesdog. I hope you’re new home in the country brings you & your Mum & Dad many years of happiness. You’ll have to show Oakley around when he visits.
    My senior rescue pups – 18 year old Dachshund Dory & 16 year old Dachshund Heidi never take stairs or jump on or off furniture. I made a very cheap ramp for them that I move from the couch to the bed. Or you can make 2. Just buy an ordinary white shelf from Canadian Tire. It doesn’t have to be wide but the length will depend on how much of a slant you would like your ramp(s) to be. Pick up a remnant piece of sisal carpet. Cut to fit & use very small nails around the whole ramp. And, voila, a ramp for your puppers.

  14. Crusoe, On behalf of my fellow officers and myself, i just wanted to thank you for honoring the Dallas Police officers killed in the line of duty on July 7th. By wearing our uniform and taking your hat off to our fallen brothers, you have earned our respect, solidarity, and love. Your videos and book bring so much happiness and joy to me every day. Keep up the good work; I appreciate you very much. It would mean the world to me if perhaps you could find the time to reply. Take care my little brother. James Gurski, Dallas PD

    • Hi Officer Gurski! I am only another fan of Crusoe with a hopeful suggestion: Near the top of Crusoe’s Blog here, there’s a “Contact” selection on the long bar which runs horizontally. If you click on it, you will find a place where you can try to contact him. It will say something like, “Just a fan with a thoughts/question”. Crusoe says there that he hears from many fans & that it might take awhile to get back to each one. I hope this can help you & that he will reply soon! (There is no doubt that he would greatly appreciate your wonderful comments!). God Bless. (reply from:) Laura

      • Thank you Laura! I’m kinda new at this blogging thing. I just sent him a message through contact. Thanks again for your help!

        • You are most welcome. (That little image of Crusoe which you so beautifully referenced, surely touches many people to the core. We are many who are so very sorry for your terrible loss. You and your Brothers assist the Angels; I’m sure They notice and won’t forget . God Bless & Protect you). Laura

  15. You made a fantastic pitch to Mum and Dad for selling the house…quite the salesman!
    Crusoe, your blogs make everyone’s day a brighter one. We love the costumes. photography, and over-the-top narrative.Keep on truckin’!!!

  16. Přejeme s Májou, klidné přestěhování, do nového obydlí. Hodně hraček pro Crusoe.

    S přáním hezký den M. & M.

  17. Crusoe, our little Rosie, has the biggest crush on you. She met you at Chapters last November and again saw you at Ottawa’s weiner pawlooza last Saturday. She entered the costume contest and won “Cutest Costume – Country Singer”. Did you see her. She was batting her eyes at you. Then she won her race – she was in the eniors group and she beat them all and she is 10 1/2. Lives in Carleton Place, so not far from you. Good luck with your move. Look forward to seeing you soon.

  18. Love u Crusoe! I’m a wiener dog owner and lover! Thank you for making my day!

    Leslie Hacker
    Owner of Emerson (my wiener dog extraordinaire!)

  19. Hi Crusoe,

    I really enjoyed reading your Blog! I read it to my long haired Dachshund named Sausage and she really enjoyed it! She is our 3rd. rescue.

    I ordered your book online and I thought it was supposed to have your paw print in it but it didn’t! Do you think you could send me one so I can put it in the book? I would really appreciate it.

    You should come to my city to visit! It’s a fun town. I live ‘way down yonder in New Orleans’! Nancy in NOLA

  20. You are just the most adorable little boy and I can’t stop laughing…..your terrific! xoxoxo

  21. ¡Hola Crusoe!
    Buena suerte con la búsqueda de nueva casa, ¡ya nos irás contando!
    Un besito desde España

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  30. I read your blog and i got the some valuable information on moving to country. Your blog gives a lot of information regarding moving. Thanks for such post and please keep it up.

  31. Cant wait to see the new wiener dog home Crusoe I bet mum and dad appreciate the great realitor skills!!

  32. Thank you very much for sharing! Very timely tips! So useful! Thank You for your precious experience. So on time! Genius!
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Crusoe the Celebrity Dachshund

Crusoe is the wiener dog extraordinaire who has won the hearts of many through his wacky home-made outfits, viral videos, NYTimes Bestselling book, and larger-than-life personality.


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