Yesterday I had an amazing one-on-one date with a beautiful young lady by the name of Paisley. I say “one-on-one” because not all my previous dates followed that norm… (Luckily I learned my lesson).
Although it was to be my first official date with Paisley, I had already met her while filming my summer pool party music video. In fact, she played the part of my “main cheerleader” in the video.
So it was cool to know that she’s worked in my “industry” before, having done some acting. But I really took a liking to her during those long days on the shoot (and after seeing her in her bikini), and so for Valentines Day I decided to ask her out on a date.
Although it wasn’t so much “asking” as it was just telling her where and when. When you’re as famous and good looking as me, yes, dating really is that easy. That’s not to say I wasn’t nervous though. I’ll admit I did worry if she’d be able to contain herself around me in the restaurant, for I didn’t want to cause an embarrassing scene of her trying to rip my clothes off while I fend her away (but not really trying too hard 😉 ).
The day before I decided to take a bath so that I’d be clean as a whistle for our date. I added some rose petals to give myself a subtle floral fragrance – just enough to still be manly but with an air of mystique.
Which made me think…
“Hey Mum, it’s kind of romantic and soothing in here. Maybe you want to hop in after I’m done?!” She decided not to. I guess she wasn’t in the mood. Strange, because it seemed like something she’d normally like.
But the rose petals reminded me of something. I needed to order flowers for my date of course! So I picked up the phone.
“Yes, I’d like to order 2,000 roses for my date please.”
“No I am NOT copying Kanye West. This was a totally original idea I had that Dad gave to me.”
“It’ll cost HOW MUCH?! Wow, okay, just make it 6 roses then.”
“And the name on the credit card is D.a.d….”
The next day finally came, and after sleeping in just enough to ensure I obtained my beauty sleep, I was up and excited to get the day going! I figured I could probably use a shave, or at least a trim, but it’s always a bit nerve-racking when you don’t have very long hair to begin with!
So, at the risk of accidentally shaving myself bald, I ended up skipping this step.
Then it was time to get dressed, and I knew just the outfit – a new custom-fitted shirt and cardigan. And luckily due to my years of incessant complaining, all the mirrors in the house have now been moved down to “wiener level” so I can finally dress myself with ease.
You might not be surprised to know that it took me three hours to get dressed – mainly because I was always pausing for selfies and to comb-and-recomb my whiskers, not to mention I kept getting distracted by that sexy dog in all the mirrors around.
Finally, the date was about to begin. We were to meet up for an early romantic dinner at a local dog restaurant called the Wag Cafe. Although I generally like to show up 2 or 3 hours fashionably late to any events I attend, Mum highly recommended I show up EARLY for this date, to which I reluctantly agreed.
So with a rose in
hand paw, I patiently awaited my date on the edge of my chair, a keen eye on the door. “I hope she’s wearing socks”, I told myself. “Because I am surely going to knock them off!”
Three minutes passed.
“OMG, what the heck is taking her so long?!” I texted Mum. “I wouldn’t even wait this long for my own movie screening!”
“Cool it, Cru”, she texted back. “She’ll be there. She’d be crazy not to”.
“She better be!” I exclaimed back in all caps. “If I get stood up, do you know what that’ll do to my image? Actually, you better start finding me a replacement date SUPER QUICK just in case this one doesn’t show up.”
And before Mum could text back, the door swung open and in walked Paisley. She trotted over to the table and hopped up onto the chair across from me.
“I brought you this rose”, I said as I handed it to her.
“Oh, thanks”, she replied nonchalantly, her nose held high, casually sniffing the place out, as if the stinky bum of the waiter was more appealing than my rose-soaked skin and man-musk cologne.
What the…? Why is she not swooning over me? Why has she not offered to kiss my royal paws by now? Why have her socks not been knocked off? Why is she even wearing socks with a dress?!
I was obviously very perplexed. I’m not used to dealing with women who aren’t all over me.
I quickly texted Mum under the table…
“MUM – firstly, cancel that back-up date RIGHT AWAY! Paisley has arrived and I don’t want a repeat of last time. Secondly, Paisley hasn’t even tried to rip my clothes off yet. Is this how it’s supposed to go? She barely seems interested, and I feel a bit jittery. What’s wrong with me? Am I sick?”
Mum texted back: “You’re just nervous. Don’t worry, it’s normal. Just be a charming gentleman and you’ll be fine.”
I popped back atop the table. “Ahem, excuse me”, I said to Paisley in the most gentlemanly tone I could muster. “I was uh – um, just regarding what lovely socks you are wearing today.”
She didn’t say anything. An awkward silence ensued.
“So, not exactly bikini weather is it?” I continued, attempting to break the silence.
“No, not really”, she replied meekly.
“More like knee-high sock weather, isn’t it?” I joked. She didn’t laugh. “You look stunning in your red dress and pearls though, I must admit.”
“Oh, thank you”, she said shifting in her chair. That seemed to stir her a bit.
“You know, I think you were the real star of that music video we filmed together. I mean, technically I was the star but you really caught a lot of eyes.”
Finally she blushed and giggled.
I felt the time was right to order drinks, so I had the waiter bring us a bottle of their finest.
Dachshund Reisling, oh that will be perfect!
And with drinks poured, we put in our order for dinner. I ordered spaghetti, because from what I’ve seen in movies that generally leads to a kiss. She followed suit.
“Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself”, I offered. “Because you probably already know so much about me, being a celebrity and all.”
“Yes I have heard a lot about you.”
“I know, right? So if I told you that I can bench 200 pounds, I mean, you probably already knew that…?”
“Uh, no…” She remarked, looking around seeming mildly uncomfortable and yet still impressed.
She regrouped herself and then answered the question; “Well, I’m 4 year’s old and a quiet country girl. I like walks in the woods, trying on new outfits, and posing for my Instagram.”
“Oh lovely! That sounds a lot like me. So are you an aspiring celebrity yourself? Because you know I could make you an overnight celebrity, right?”
(I also couldn’t help but noticed her socks had disappeared!)
“No not really. I just like looking pretty. And well, if that’s what makes me famous, then so be it!” she said with a smile.
“Well that’s pretty much how I got famous. Not to mention half the human celebrities out there today (*cough* Kim Kardashian *cough*). Speaking of famous, we need more champagne. WAITER!”
“Or Reisling, whatever it was you were serving us! MORE!”
So now that I’d effectively broken the ice, our chit-chat continued all through the meal and into dessert.
We did a fine job of getting to know one another, and it seemed no matter how many times I looked her way, I was always captivated by her expressive eyes and the sheen of her long brown ears.
So after dinner, I we continued the date by taking a romantic sleigh ride through the snow.
I had Dad pull us around the park. I was starting to get the feeling that there could be an opportunity for a kiss coming soon, so I told Dad not to look around or speak to us under any circumstances. “Just be a donkey”, I told him.
If the moment were to come, I don’t want anything to spoil it!
The kiss didn’t come, but we did have a wonderful time together.
I asked her what she’s looking for in a man. She said someone who’s caring, gentle, funny, an outdoorsman, strong, fashionable, a handyman, a romantic, and a protector.
“Well, don’t you know I’m all those things?!” I exclaimed as we transitioned to a nearby park bench to share a nice hot cocoa to warm up. “Did I mention I can bench 200 pounds? And I’m sure my fashion sense speaks for itself.”
“You did mention that. But what about all the other qualities I’m looking for in a man?”
“If you speak to my Mum she’ll tell you.” But then I thought for a moment. “Actually, Mum tends to get a bit jealous of me, so perhaps it’s better if you don’t speak to her. Just ask all my previous girlfrien—” I caught myself mid sentence and desperately sought a quick way out… “Uh, uh... LOOK, SQUIRREL!”
After driving the squirrel up its tree, we headed back to my place, but I made sure to text Mum on the way home. “Mum, we’re coming back to the house. Please make yourself inconspicuous. Oh, but make us popcorn first.”
Back at the house, I suggested we watch the latest episode of The Walking Dead which was playing tonight.
Probably not the best idea.
If she had still been wearing socks, they would have been scared right off her feet. In fact, I think it was the first time this innocent little country girl had laid eyes on a horror flick; she was pretty traumatized!
So we settled for some boring Rom-Com, and to soothe her fears from the Walking Dead, I suggested we snuggle under the blanket together.
“There, there”, I said. “Don’t worry, no zombies here. And even if there were, I’d protect you. Unless the vacuum turns into a zombie. In that case, you’d be on your own, because that thing scares the heck out of me. But that’s like 90% unlikely, and even if it did happen it’d probably go for the donkey firs—”
BAM! Just like that, she planted a wet one on me right upside the sniffer.
I was not expecting that, which made it that much better! In fact, I think this is my first official kiss! 🙂
“Thanks for taking care of me”, she whispered. “And for being so charming.”
That made me sturdy up a little.
“Hey”, she continued under her breath, barely audible. “Can you make me an overnight celebrity?”
My eyes lit up, questioningly.
“No, NOT the way Kim Kardashian did!” And we both laughed.
Enjoy this post? “Like” it to the left!