This past week Mum and Dad both had their turns getting sick. First it was Mum, then Dad, and guess who was stuck taking care of them? Me!
This is what sparked another one of my many great ideas.
I decided I would buckle down and study up over the weekend on all the medical material I could find online, thus self-certifying myself as a doctor. I then opened an in-home medical ‘practice’ where I am now offering medical services to all the
people sexy ladies of my neighborhood – but also Mum and Dad when they need it.
So I would like to introduce you to Dr. Crusoe, but feel free to call me dogtor, or doc-shund.
In fact, my first work as a doctor was just last week when I administered a screening quiz to all my Facebook fans to determine if they have a newly discovered (by me) condition called Obsessive Dachshund Disorder (ODD).
I’ll have you know that thousands of my fans have it (if not all 40,000), so I think Dr. Crusoe is going to be busy for a while..
But my first patient to kick off my illegal underground medical practice, was Mum. And let me tell you, it’s a good thing I became a doctor, because before then this is how I used to deal with sick people in our house…
So the first thing I did was have Mum lie down on the couch while I did a quick temperature check on her forehead.
Yes – she was burning up.
I needed to know just how severe it was though. So I ran upstairs and grabbed the thermometer and brought it back to her.
“Stick this up your butt”, I told her.
She then proceeded to inform me of some very disturbing and maddening news, which was that humans can check their temperature just under their tongues, while us dogs have to get it up the wazoo. This is exactly the sort of thing that makes me prefer human doctors over those quack vets.
So anyway, I’ll see to that matter another time. In the meantime, Mum took her temperature for me.
Not good indeed.
I then asked her to describe me her other symptoms while I sat bedside to her so I could provide my professional diagnosis.
I’m not sure what the heck she found to be so funny… I had to tell her to wipe that smirk off her face. This is a doctor’s office, not a comedy show.
These were her symptoms:
- Sore throat.
- Low energy.
- Hallucinations involving running away to a wiener dog farm.
Interesting. So what did I do next?
Well, I went to my computer and just Googled the damn answer like every other doctor.
Except Google didn’t have an answer that matched Mum’s specific symptoms. So my diagnosis is that she has dachshuenza – a rare condition I just made up that combines Obsessive Dachshund Disorder and the flu.
So I put on my full scrubs and told her I was going to have to operate if we were to save her.
Unfortunately I came across a similar predicament to when I was a dentist for a day, which was that none of the surgical tools fit well in my paws. So I was going to have to make due without the surgery.
That’s too bad because I was really looking forward to trying out some of the crazy stuff I saw online.
Anyway, by this time Dad had caught dachshuenza too. And let me tell you, Dad was a much bigger baby about it than Mum was.
So to shut him up, I figured a nice homemade chicken noodle soup might do them both some good. And who better for the job than Chef Crusoe?
Of course I had to do some taste-testing to make sure it was perfect before giving it to them. Let’s just say it took a lot of tries before I was happy with it ; )
And even then, I was still curious to know how it tasted once it cooled down a bit.
My next job as dogtor was to prescribe them a strict plan of medication to make them feel better.
Here was my explanation: “You are to take two of these red cold & flu pills every 3 hours – downed with a shot of whiskey. Then there’s some Hall’s lozenges for your throat and two pieces of gum for afterwards to remove the alcohol breath. I’m not sure how the cookie got in there, but feel free to kick that back my way.”
All in all, Mum and Dad were appreciative of my efforts.
But Mum told me the best medicine to make her feel better, was for me to just be sweet and cuddly with her. A little dachshund affection goes a long way – especially for someone who already has ODD.
And with a hunk like me, I’m sure she’ll feel better in no time. As for Dad, I’ll leave him in the closet for a day or two more just to be sure..
P.S. Dr. Crusoe claims no liability for any misdiagnosis, irrelevant prescriptions, or overall mispratice.