Dr. Crusoe: Mum & Dad Get Sick

This past week Mum and Dad both had their turns getting sick. First it was Mum, then Dad, and guess who was stuck taking care of them? Me!

This is what sparked another one of my many great ideas.

I decided I would buckle down and study up over the weekend on all the medical material I could find online, thus self-certifying myself as a doctor. I then opened an in-home medical ‘practice’ where I am now offering medical services to all the people sexy ladies of my neighborhood – but also Mum and Dad when they need it.

So I would like to introduce you to Dr. Crusoe, but feel free to call me dogtor, or doc-shund.

Dr Crusoe

In fact, my first work as a doctor was just last week when I administered a screening quiz to all my Facebook fans to determine if they have a newly discovered (by me) condition called Obsessive Dachshund Disorder (ODD).

Obsessed with Dachshunds

I’ll have you know that thousands of my fans have it (if not all 40,000), so I think Dr. Crusoe is going to be busy for a while..

But my first patient to kick off my illegal underground medical practice, was Mum. And let me tell you, it’s a good thing I became a doctor, because before then this is how I used to deal with sick people in our house…

So the first thing I did was have Mum lie down on the couch while I did a quick temperature check on her forehead.

Dachshund Doctor

Yes – she was burning up.

I needed to know just how severe it was though. So I ran upstairs and grabbed the thermometer and brought it back to her.

“Stick this up your butt”, I told her.

She then proceeded to inform me of some very disturbing and maddening news, which was that humans can check their temperature just under their tongues, while us dogs have to get it up the wazoo. This is exactly the sort of thing that makes me prefer human doctors over those quack vets.

So anyway, I’ll see to that matter another time. In the meantime, Mum took her temperature for me.

Crusoe taking Mum's temperature

Not good indeed.

I then asked her to describe me her other symptoms while I sat bedside to her so I could provide my professional diagnosis.

Cute Dr. Crusoe

I’m not sure what the heck she found to be so funny… I had to tell her to wipe that smirk off her face. This is a doctor’s office, not a comedy show.

These were her symptoms:

  • Sneezing.
  • Fever.
  • Coughing.
  • Sore throat.
  • Headache.
  • Low energy.
  • Hallucinations involving running away to a wiener dog farm.

Interesting. So what did I do next?

Well, I went to my computer and just Googled the damn answer like every other doctor.

Crusoe on the computer

Except Google didn’t have an answer that matched Mum’s specific symptoms. So my diagnosis is that she has dachshuenza – a rare condition I just made up that combines Obsessive Dachshund Disorder and the flu.

So I put on my full scrubs and told her I was going to have to operate if we were to save her.

Dr. Crusoe the Dachshund

Unfortunately I came across a similar predicament to when I was a dentist for a day, which was that none of the surgical tools fit well in my paws. So I was going to have to make due without the surgery.

That’s too bad because I was really looking forward to trying out some of the crazy stuff I saw online.

Anyway, by this time Dad had caught dachshuenza too. And let me tell you, Dad was a much bigger baby about it than Mum was.

So to shut him up, I figured a nice homemade chicken noodle soup might do them both some good. And who better for the job than Chef Crusoe?

Of course I had to do some taste-testing to make sure it was perfect before giving it to them. Let’s just say it took a lot of tries before I was happy with it ; )

And even then, I was still curious to know how it tasted once it cooled down a bit.

Chicken Noodle Soup

My next job as dogtor was to prescribe them a strict plan of medication to make them feel better.

Here was my explanation: “You are to take two of these red cold & flu pills every 3 hours – downed with a shot of whiskey. Then there’s some Hall’s lozenges for your throat and two pieces of gum for afterwards to remove the alcohol breath. I’m not sure how the cookie got in there, but feel free to kick that back my way.”

Dachshund Prescription

All in all, Mum and Dad were appreciative of my efforts.

But Mum told me the best medicine to make her feel better, was for me to just be sweet and cuddly with her. A little dachshund affection goes a long way – especially for someone who already has ODD.

Crusoe cuddling with Mum

And with a hunk like me, I’m sure she’ll feel better in no time. As for Dad, I’ll leave him in the closet for a day or two more just to be sure..

Keep practicin’,

~ Crusoe

P.S. Dr. Crusoe claims no liability for any misdiagnosis, irrelevant prescriptions, or overall mispratice. 




14 Responses to Dr. Crusoe: Mum & Dad Get Sick

  1. Well, Dogtor Crusoe, despite the hilarious post, I must say I was a little shocked to learn that before you went to “medical school” your bedside manner left a lot to be desired!! Shoving mum into the closet and slamming the door behind her wasn’t very nice. Thank goodness you came to your senses and realized just which side of your bread is buttered since she takes such magnificent care of you (just look at those well-groomed nails and shiny coat!!!). You’ve also learned something wives have always known about their mates – daddies are always much, much sicker than anyone in the family even when they all have the same illness!! There’s a lot of emoting when men get sick, as you’ve seen first-hand. I think it has something to do with their mums fussing over their little baby boys when they were little – as if they’re going to die or something! Anyway, glad you were able to help your mum feel better by snuggling down with her. That’s all I would need because I also suffer from lifelong ODD disorder. Congrats on your medical “degree” and I hope you won’t forget to check on dad periodically while he’s in the closet!!! Love you Dr. Crusoe ….from your devoted fan from Oregon……chris xoxoxo

    • I think you have a good point there about daddy’s being big babies. I just thought it was MY Dad who was the wuss, but comforting to know that most of them are like that (I guess).

      Thanks Chris, my fan from Oregon. Dad was feeling better so I let him out of the closet last night.

  2. Another great post, Crusoe! Hope your mum and dad took your advice and are feeling better!

    P.S. Do you make house calls? I have a severe case of ODD!

  3. Another great one Crusoe. So glad you have given up on shoving Mum in the closet, but Dad…..hmmm, that I will leave up to the dogter. I think Mum was just smiling in the one pic because she felt so safe in your hand,paws, that she couldn’t help herself.
    You hav my vote for hunkiest doctor award, cutest too!!! <3

  4. You are so lucky to have an in house doctor available. We are trying to get our children to go to medical school so when we get older with less money, we will have a doctor. Our children Hotdog, Chilidog and Coneydog are fantastic at so many other things and keep us very very entertain and busy. We love them so much…

    • Glad to hear you have a good team at home. Not all of us may be doctors, but every doggy has a way of making their parents feel better!

  5. Hi Crusoe,
    Your blog makes my mom laugh until tears run down her face which I think is good. You have some great adventures and it inspires me to make more robust suggestions to my mom when I get bored. I am pretty sure I can make soup and 100% sure I can pick perfectly ripe tomatoes off moms plant in the yard.
    I am trying to get the guts to fly, so wish me luck.


  6. That’s some cure for your Mum’s and Dad’s Dachshuenza, Cru ! ? I think your yummy chicken soup will really help, but first, you need to release your Dad from quarantine/Solitary in order to help him, too. You are the Funniest dogter (and the Cutest Ever). ??

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Crusoe the Celebrity Dachshund

Crusoe is the wiener dog extraordinaire who has won the hearts of many through his wacky home-made outfits, viral videos, NYTimes Bestselling book, and larger-than-life personality.



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