This past weekend I took a rare trip to visit my brother Oakley’s abode near Toronto – since most of the time it’s him who will come out to my neck of the woods.
The purpose of the weekend was not of pleasure, but of necessity so that Dr. Crusoe and Nurse Oakley could finally address the ankle sprain Mum incurred whilst carelessly stepping off the deck in the below video.
(An Oscar-worthy performance by Mum, if I do say so…)
However, before Mum’s appointment with us, Oakley told me he’s been practicing his cooking skills and wished to show me what he can do.
So I have to admit, he did display quite the cute image of chef!
But his enthusiasm was quickly blanketed when his “lights” suddenly went out.
So he decided to call off his garden salad which he was about to prepare for me on accounts of an unforeseen ‘power outage’ in the kitchen.
To be honest though, I didn’t really mind, as salad doesn’t exactly get me excited. Oakley explained it’s part of his new diet plan, where if that’s the case, I don’t see his diet lasting very long!
Anyway, back to the issue at hand – Mum had a sprained ankle from a couple weeks ago that had gone dangerously neglected and in dire need of medical attention (according to me).
So the first thing we did was inspect the ankle and foot, which among not being the “prettiest” foot in regards to toe-length proportions, was also on the stinky side.
After formulating my own opinion, I wanted to see what my apprentice was thinking.
But by the time I asked him, I realized he was still being unproductive trying to figure out why the lights were out again…
In fact, our patient even had to help Nurse Oakley in adjusting his uniform..
Continuing though, I had a plan of action to not only fix Mum’s sprain, but to perhaps even ‘reconfigure’ those toes for proper proportions.
So I told Mum not to worry as I placed her foot in this vice.
Unfortunately, I didn’t receive the million dollars of funding I had requested from the government to assist in setting up my home-based medical practice, so I had to make use with some of the older tools lying around the house.
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In any case, I was happy to see that by this time Oakley was finally being productive by distracting the patient by proffering his neck for kisses.
“Alright so just keep enjoying Nurse Oakley’s company there”, I said to our patient.
“Meanwhile I am going to have to re-break this ankle and those toes. In my professional opinion, the ankle has healed a bit too much for us to be able to set it properly, and those toes are beyond the help of even the best Hollywood pedicure.”
“But Crusoe!” Mum exclaimed. “My ankle was never broken to begin with! It was only sprained. You can’t re-break something that was never broken”.
I nearly interpreted that as a challenge, but her words did make me think twice about my treatment plan. I couldn’t risk compromising my medical license over something like this.
“Well, that is an interesting notion”, I responded – attempting to keep face, “yet completely incorrect. I have however, decided to change my course of treatment to that of a better alternative – all on my own accord, as it should be noted.”
This had finally caught the attention of Nurse Oakley, who was curious to know what I might be proposing.
“I think it best if the foot is amputated from the ankle-down, on the pure account that the foot is in an irreparable state of stinkyness”.
I had planned for this as a Plan B, and hence had my saw and safety goggles ready at the go.
“Unfortunately”, I continued, “this country requires I seek the patient’s permission before proceeding with a treatment. So I hope you accept, because I really need to practice this technique.”
(My schooling was virtually all online, so I have limited hands-on training).
I knew Mum’s face was not an approving one, but it was in fact Nurse Oakley who threw himself over her leg to prevent me.
He told me he would not let me amputate – for the sole reason that he becomes very “light-headed” at the sight of blood, and would likely need medical attention himself if he were to witness that.
So reluctantly, I agreed I did not need this to become an issue of two patients, and so finally reverted to my Plan C.
“Nurse, grab some compression bandages and let’s wrap this up”, I said to Oakley.
“I already checked doctor”, Nurse Oakley responded. “We’re all out, looks like”.
I thought for a moment. “Well let’s just wrap it in bacon then. It’s a universal law that everything becomes better when wrapped in bacon”.
“OK!” he responded happily as he went trotting off into the kitchen.
So that concluded our medical endeavors for the day, but it did lead us to an important public service announcement I wished to make as Dr. Crusoe regarding exercise and a healthy diet.
Nurse Oakley however, was quite distracting…
So perhaps instead of telling you why exercise is so important, we’ll just show you and you’ll understand why.
And I think you all know by now that Oakley and I are not just medical professionals, but also moonlight as the infamous BATDOG & Robin.
Well, later that day while out patrolling the streets, we saved a woman from being mugged.
Now that I think about it, she looked an awfully lot like Mum, and yet she was walking fine. Now I’m thinking Mum’s sprained ankle might of been one big “ploy” to generate a laugh.
I’m not sure, but I don’t like it.
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